My thoughts of late have turned toward the human condition; those things that can unite under the orchestrated division and illusion of choice. Beyond our raw, physical necessities, we look for more. We search for meaning. We strive for purpose. We long for a better world and we wish it upon our fellow man.
Then it comes: the traffic, the noise, the boss, the bills. The friction – it’s there and it is a sludge that drags us down. It is raw and it is all around us. Left and right there are problems. Everything is broken; nothing works. How can one expect there to be good when all we see is the bad? We know there is good and we get glimpses every day, but the perpetual entropy of the universe is almost too much to bear.
I sit at my desk. The spreadsheet has been open for 4 hours; progress has been made but it has cost me my sanity. I try to manage a conversation with a coworker but my brain is alphabet soup; I can sense the instability of my words as they leave my mouth. I can’t be asked to sit back down, so I take a walk. I pass my boss in the hall, put on a fake smile, and nod as if to say, “I am happy here. Please don’t fire me.”
I push open the door and it hits me - the sun on my face, the fresh air, the birds singing; the intricate world around me beams with life. The ant marches toward its colony with fresh food. The gophers scurry in and out of their dwelling. The green grass almost seems to have grown an inch from the day before. I walk back into work and I feel alive. My mind is clear and sharp again. Is it the break that I needed, or am I not meant to be living this monotonous existence?
Repetition in life can be good. Repetition without progress is hell. We work hard and we expect to be rewarded for our efforts. Yet despite this, why does it feel that we haven’t moved?
I sit back at my desk and I have a stunning realization – more than anything, I want freedom. No, not freedom from my responsibilities, but freedom from my tyrants. And my most brutal enemies are found within. I want to be rid of my shortcomings, my flaws, my anxieties and fears. I want to break free from my doubt. I want to liberate my life.
“I am my own master,” I tell myself. “I hold the key to my peace.”
The problems we face are also the opportunities. The success is in the worthy struggle.